Black Hole Manners and the Etiquette of Hats

Characters:

Cheshire Cat — ever-grinning trickster

Queen of Hearts — blustering, nonsensical authority

Alice — grounded observer, reluctantly polite

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Queen of Hearts:

Silence! All black holes must now wear hats! No black hole shall be observed without proper headgear! Offending singularities will be tickled until they vanish!

Alice:

Hats… for black holes? But how can anything wear a hat if it swallows everything nearby?

Cheshire Cat (appearing perched atop the ceiling, tail dangling):

Ah, Alice, the hat is not worn by the black hole. The black hole borrows the hat from the observer. Very polite. Always tip your hat when falling in.

Queen of Hearts:

Nonsense! Hats are mandatory! And all falling objects must curtsy thrice before crossing the event horizon!

Alice:

But… Majesty, isn’t the event horizon a limit, not a ballroom?

Cheshire Cat:

Limits are merely suggested dance floors. The universe enjoys a waltz, even if nobody teaches it the steps.

Queen of Hearts:

Then all stars shall bow, all photons curtsy, and any particle refusing to follow proper etiquette shall be… boiled in quantum soup!

Alice:

I don’t… I can’t imagine quantum soup…

Cheshire Cat:

It’s quite edible, once you observe it. Before observation, it is merely a suggestion of flavor.

Queen of Hearts:

Excellent! Then let all matter, energy, and hats observe the same etiquette. Singularity must always behave, even if it refuses to exist coherently!

Alice:

But… the singularity isn’t a thing that can behave. It’s a limit…

Cheshire Cat:

Limits are perfectly willing to behave if bribed with compliments. Otherwise, they collapse into polite infinity.

Queen of Hearts:

Infinity shall be decapitated! Hats must remain on! All objects must measure their curvature before breakfast!

Alice (whispering to herself):

I am beginning to suspect that the laws of etiquette are more rigid than the laws of physics…

Cheshire Cat (fading, leaving only his grin):

Etiquette, Alice, is the only constant. The rest is merely a suggestion that disappears when unobserved.