Tea, Time, and the Relativity of Scones

Characters:

Cheshire Cat — manipulator of perspective, grin always visible

Queen of Hearts — imperious, absurd, absolute

Alice — patient, grounded, baffled

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Queen of Hearts:

Silence! All clocks must now run backwards at tea time! Forward-running clocks are hereby outlawed! Anyone caught observing the wrong hour shall have their scones confiscated!

Alice:

But… Majesty, if clocks run backwards, won’t tea happen before it is poured?

Cheshire Cat (appearing from the teapot, tail curling):

Precisely, Alice. Time is merely a suggestion at teatime. Scones respect causality only when the cream is present. Without cream, everything reverses politely.

Queen of Hearts:

Nonsense! The cream must always follow the scone, or heads will roll! Physics cannot allow inverted pastries!

Alice:

But isn’t that… the opposite of relativity?

Cheshire Cat:

Ah, relativity is merely a polite handshake between the scone and the cream. In my experience, the handshake often goes sideways.

Queen of Hearts:

Then all teapots shall measure simultaneity! If the cream arrives before the scone, it will be punished with extra jam!

Alice:

But I thought simultaneity is relative… different observers see different orders…

Cheshire Cat:

Exactly. That’s why your Majesty’s jam is perfectly justified from one frame of reference, and catastrophic from another. Always check your teaspoons.

Queen of Hearts:

Silence! Time dilation shall apply only to courtiers who nap! The faster you run to the teapot, the younger you appear!

Alice:

You mean… if I hurry, I will feel younger?

Cheshire Cat:

Only if you ignore the Queen’s instructions. Otherwise, paradoxically, you will grow older by counting teaspoons.

Queen of Hearts:

Paradoxes are punishable! Now, entangled biscuits must remain entangled across all teacups, or the Cheshire Cat shall rearrange them at whim!

Alice:

But if they are entangled, doesn’t a measurement on one affect the other?

Cheshire Cat:

Indeed! And if anyone tries to taste one without observing the other, the unobserved biscuit may mysteriously vanish into quantum frosting.

Queen of Hearts:

Excellent! Then let all teapots, scones, and biscuits be properly entangled, collapsing only at the precise moment of exclamation!

Alice (whispering to herself):

I do not think the laws of the universe were meant to be so deliciously confusing…

Cheshire Cat (grinning wider, disappearing behind a cloud of steam):

Confusion is the proper order of tea, my dear Alice. Without it, the universe would be dreadfully polite.