A Whim of Physics at the Queen’s Court

Characters:

Cheshire Cat — trickster of perspective and language

Queen of Hearts — loud, authoritative, absurd

Alice — the grounded observer, politely incredulous

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Queen of Hearts:

Silence! All particles must now spin in perfect circles or be immediately boiled! Quantum spin is mandatory, and anyone caught in a superposition shall be decapitated at dawn!

Alice:

But… your Majesty, I thought particles… well… they already spin randomly?

Cheshire Cat (appearing on the ceiling, grinning):

Ah, Alice, randomness is merely polite spin that refuses to announce itself. It only obeys if the hat of observation nods thrice.

Queen of Hearts:

Nonsense! All hats must now be measured for proper nodding frequency! And the faster a particle moves, the heavier your hat becomes!

Alice:

Heavier… hats? I don’t understand how that follows…

Cheshire Cat:

Not to worry, dear Alice. Hats acquire mass only relative to the observer’s appetite for hats. If you are hungry, gravity conspires.

Queen of Hearts:

Silence! Entanglement is treason! No two particles may conspire without my express permission!

Alice:

But, Majesty… entanglement is a property of…

Cheshire Cat (twisting through the air):

—of conspiratorial hats, yes. If two particles meet without hats, they simply wink at each other across the room. If a hat is present, they plot an entirely new universe.

Queen of Hearts:

Then let the winking be outlawed! All particles must wear hats! And if they cannot, I decree they shall borrow a hat from the nearest star!

Alice:

But… how do you… borrow a star’s hat?

Cheshire Cat:

Carefully, with a teaspoon and a wink. Stars are very particular about lending their accessories.

Queen of Hearts:

And now, all waves must collapse before breakfast! Superpositions are strictly forbidden in my court!

Alice:

But, your Majesty, doesn’t collapse depend on measurement…?

Cheshire Cat:

Ah, but breakfast itself is the most authoritative measurement of all. If your toast is sufficiently toasted, the wavefunction sighs and becomes a proper particle, ready for tea.

Queen of Hearts:

Excellent! Then let it be known: from now on, all physics must wear hats, bend for breakfast, and obey my nodding rules! Anyone violating this will be…

(decapitates a metaphysical pancake)

…reprimanded most thoroughly!

Alice (quietly, to the reader):

I do not think I understand the universe any better… but somehow, it has become immensely entertaining.

Cheshire Cat (fading, leaving only a grin):

Remember, Alice: reality only agrees to nonsense if it is properly mismeasured.