Professor Quillibrace entered the Senior Common Room with unusual confidence.
For four consecutive days Mr Blottisham had failed to appear.
Professor Quillibrace began to hope.
Miss Stray looked up from her book.
"You seem cheerful."
"I believe," said Professor Quillibrace,
"...that the Experimental Metaphor Laboratory may have concluded."
At that precise moment the door opened.
Mr Blottisham entered carrying three cardboard boxes.
Professor Quillibrace closed his eyes.
"I had spoken too soon."
Blottisham smiled.
"Good morning."
"What," asked Professor Quillibrace carefully,
"...have you brought?"
"The universe."
Professor Quillibrace opened one eye.
"In boxes?"
"Well..."
said Blottisham,
"...the accessories."
Miss Stray leaned forward.
"This promises to be excellent."
Blottisham unpacked the contents onto the table.
A keyboard.
A mouse.
An external hard drive.
Several network cables.
A power board.
A wireless router.
Three USB sticks.
And a small label reading:
BACKUP REALITY
Professor Quillibrace stared for a very long time.
"I particularly admire the optimism."
"Thank you."
"What optimism?"
"The backup."
Blottisham looked puzzled.
"One should always have one."
"Of the universe?"
"Computers fail."
Professor Quillibrace sighed.
"I see."
"You often say modern physics uses information."
"It sometimes does."
"And computation."
"Occasionally."
"So..."
Professor Quillibrace completed the sentence.
"...there must be technical support."
Blottisham looked delighted.
"Exactly."
Miss Stray laughed.
"I've rarely seen someone anticipate his own misfortune so accurately."
Blottisham opened his notebook.
"I've organised my questions."
Professor Quillibrace nodded.
"Of course you have."
Question One
"If the universe is a computer..."
"It is not."
"...where is the power button?"
"There isn't one."
"So it never starts?"
"No."
"It never shuts down?"
"No."
Blottisham made a note.
"Always on."
"No."
"Always asleep?"
"No."
"Remarkably energy efficient?"
"No."
Miss Stray quietly refilled everyone's tea.
Question Two
"If the universe computes..."
"Yes?"
"What operating system does it use?"
"It doesn't."
"No?"
"No."
"Not even Linux?"
"No."
"Pity."
"Why?"
"I imagine Windows updates would be catastrophic."
Professor Quillibrace laughed despite himself.
"I concede that point."
Question Three
Blottisham held up the external hard drive.
"Where is reality stored?"
"It isn't."
"There must be memory."
"There is no hard drive."
"No cloud?"
"No."
"No cache?"
"No."
"No recycle bin?"
Professor Quillibrace looked thoughtful.
"That last one has unfortunate theological implications."
Miss Stray nearly spilled her tea.
Question Four
Blottisham connected the keyboard.
"I've prepared a command."
Professor Quillibrace became alarmed.
"You've prepared..."
"...a command?"
"Yes."
"What command?"
Blottisham unfolded a sheet of paper.
UNDO
Silence.
Miss Stray looked at it.
"I admit..."
"...there are moments when that would be useful."
Professor Quillibrace smiled.
"The difficulty is deciding how many times to press it."
Blottisham nodded gravely.
"I had wondered about that."
The discussion paused.
Professor Quillibrace walked to the blackboard.
He wrote:
THE UNIVERSE IS A COMPUTER
Then beneath it:
WHY IS THIS METAPHOR ATTRACTIVE?
Miss Stray answered first.
"Because computers transform information."
Professor Quillibrace nodded.
"They follow rules."
"They generate complex behaviour."
"They process enormous quantities of structure."
Blottisham added enthusiastically,
"They occasionally freeze."
Professor Quillibrace looked at him.
"No."
"They become unresponsive."
"No."
"They require restarting."
"No."
"They produce mysterious error messages."
"No."
"They ignore the user."
Professor Quillibrace paused.
"...I admit that last characteristic has occasionally been observed in nature."
The room dissolved into laughter.
Miss Stray became thoughtful.
"I think every age chooses metaphors from its most sophisticated technology."
Professor Quillibrace nodded.
"The medieval world imagined books."
"The Enlightenment imagined clocks."
"The Industrial Revolution imagined engines."
"The Information Age imagines computers."
Blottisham looked surprised.
"So in two hundred years..."
"Yes?"
"They'll think our metaphor sounds rather quaint."
Professor Quillibrace smiled.
"Almost certainly."
Blottisham slowly packed away the cables.
"I think I've understood."
Professor Quillibrace waited.
"The computer metaphor explains some remarkable things."
"Indeed."
"But if I keep asking computer questions..."
"...eventually I stop learning about physics..."
"...and start learning about technical support."
Miss Stray laughed.
"A very accurate diagnosis."
Professor Quillibrace nodded.
"The metaphor illuminates computation."
"It does not commit the universe to customer service."
The college clock struck five.
Blottisham lifted the final box.
Inside remained only the handwritten label.
BACKUP REALITY
He looked at it thoughtfully.
"Perhaps..."
he said quietly,
"...it is comforting to imagine that existence can be restored if something goes wrong."
The room became unexpectedly still.
Professor Quillibrace looked at the label for a long moment.
"Yes."
"I think that may be one reason we invent such metaphors."
Miss Stray closed her book.
"Not because they are literally true."
"No."
"But because they borrow certainty from things we believe we understand."
Professor Quillibrace nodded.
"And in doing so..."
"...they help us ask questions that would otherwise be impossible."
He looked at the keyboard.
Then at the router.
Then at the little label.
"My dear Blottisham..."
"Yes?"
"If you ever discover technical support for the universe..."
"I shall let you know immediately."
Professor Quillibrace smiled.
"Please don't."
As they left the Senior Common Room, the power board remained lying on the table.
Entirely disconnected.
Entirely unnecessary.
Yet oddly reassuring.
Rather like the metaphor itself.
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