VIII: The Universal Efficiency Index

The trouble began when Mr Blottisham arrived carrying a number.

Not a report.

Not a chart.

Not a ranking.

A number.

Professor Quillibrace immediately sensed danger.

Miss Stray sensed it shortly afterwards.

Blottisham sat down triumphantly.

"I've got it."

"Oh dear," said Quillibrace.

"The solution."

"To what?"

"Everything."

The room became cautious.

Blottisham produced a document.

At the top appeared a large figure.

87.4

Nothing else seemed to matter.

Quillibrace examined it.

"What is it?"

"The University's Universal Efficiency Score."

A pause followed.

"Out of what?"

"One hundred."

"Naturally."

Blottisham smiled.

"It combines everything."

The pause lengthened.

Quillibrace adjusted his spectacles.

"Everything?"

"Everything."

"Research?"

"Yes."

"Teaching?"

"Yes."

"Administration?"

"Yes."

"Community engagement?"

"Yes."

"Strategic adaptability?"

"Yes."

"Transformational capacity?"

"Apparently."

The room became very quiet.

Stray looked intrigued.

"How?"

"How what?"

"How are they combined?"

Blottisham opened the methodology document.

The methodology document appeared to have its own methodology document.

Several appendices escaped.

One diagram looked concerned.

After a few minutes he said:

"It's quite complicated."

Quillibrace nodded.

"They always are."

The fire crackled.

Unlike the methodology, it appeared comfortable with causality.

After a while Stray spoke.

"What happens if the score rises?"

"We improve."

"And if it falls?"

"We decline."

A silence followed.

Quillibrace looked interested.

"Remarkable."

"What is?"

"The efficiency with which several philosophical questions have been eliminated."

Blottisham frowned.

"You make it sound suspicious."

"Not suspicious."

"No?"

"No."

Quillibrace tapped the document.

"Merely ambitious."

The number sat on the page.

Serene.

Confident.

Entirely unaware of what it represented.

Or perhaps entirely aware.

The distinction was becoming difficult.

After a while Blottisham continued.

"The system is revolutionary."

"How so?"

"For the first time, completely different organisations can be compared."

Stray looked up.

"Compared how?"

"Using the Index."

"Yes."

"But compared how?"

Blottisham hesitated.

"Numerically."

Quillibrace smiled.

"A triumph of precision."

Blottisham brightened.

"Exactly."

Quillibrace sighed.

"No."

The room settled.

Outside, several students crossed the quadrangle.

None appeared to possess a Universal Efficiency Score.

They looked unexpectedly free.

Blottisham continued enthusiastically.

"A botanical garden scored ninety-one."

"Excellent."

"A hospital scored eighty-eight."

"Wonderful."

"A consulting firm scored eighty-three."

"Commendable."

"A sewage authority scored eighty-nine."

Quillibrace nodded thoughtfully.

"The sewage authority may have an advantage."

"Why?"

"It knows what it's for."

Stray laughed.

Blottisham looked scandalised.

The number remained untroubled.

Eventually Stray spoke.

"I think the interesting thing is not the score."

"What is it?"

"The assumption behind the score."

"What assumption?"

"That everything important can be translated into a common currency."

The room became attentive.

Blottisham frowned.

"Isn't that the point?"

"Precisely."

Quillibrace nodded.

"Very good."

Blottisham looked from one to the other.

"What's wrong with that?"

Quillibrace considered.

"Nothing."

Blottisham relaxed.

"Good."

"Except the small matter of determining what has been lost during the translation."

The relaxation vanished.

The fire continued performing admirably despite never having undergone standardisation.

After a while Blottisham found another page.

"There was some criticism."

"Naturally."

"Certain organisations achieved very high scores despite obvious problems."

"Interesting."

"Others achieved low scores despite functioning extremely well."

"Also interesting."

Blottisham looked at the conclusion.

"The Commission on Index Integrity addressed this."

"Did it?"

"Yes."

"What did they conclude?"

Blottisham read aloud:

'The relationship between measured excellence and experienced excellence requires further clarification.'

The room became silent.

Then Quillibrace slowly removed his glasses.

"My word."

"What?"

"That's exquisite."

"It is?"

"One of the finest examples of institutional understatement I've encountered in years."

Stray smiled.

"It sounds as though reality has filed a formal objection."

"Exactly."

The conversation drifted.

Eventually Blottisham returned to the central figure.

87.4

"I still think it's useful."

"So do I."

Blottisham looked surprised.

"You do?"

"Certainly."

"Then why all the criticism?"

Quillibrace looked genuinely puzzled.

"My dear fellow."

"Yes?"

"Usefulness and adequacy are not synonyms."

The room became thoughtful.

Even the number seemed slightly less confident.

After a while Stray asked:

"Suppose the Index reached perfection."

"What do you mean?"

"A score of one hundred."

Blottisham smiled.

"That would be extraordinary."

"Why?"

"Because we'd have achieved complete excellence."

A pause followed.

Then Stray asked:

"How would we know?"

The smile faded.

The room fell quiet.

Quillibrace stared into the fire.

At length he said:

"One of civilisation's oldest dreams is that judgment might eventually become unnecessary."

No one interrupted.

"The Universal Efficiency Index is merely the latest expression of that hope."

The fire crackled.

The students crossed the quadrangle.

The number sat on the table.

And somewhere, in a meeting room far away, a committee was undoubtedly debating whether 87.4 should be weighted slightly differently.